woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize