I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
