I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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