I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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