I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
