The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize