we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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