At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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