I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
