god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My liver just had a heart attack.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
