Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
