the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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