Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
