I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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