Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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