Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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