i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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