You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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