I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
