I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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