Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
