I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
