What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
