Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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