your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
