last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
