I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
