I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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