you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I met the friendliest cop last night
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
