just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
