For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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