Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
