and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sext me about skeletons
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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