new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize