I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
