please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
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