just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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