Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
