if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dear god my vagina.
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