So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
