I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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