I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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