Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
