The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How drunk are you?
Completed.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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