I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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