That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
