Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
