3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
then he tried to convert me to islam
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Someone signed my nipple.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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