If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
