They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
time to smoke my breakfast
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize