I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
