got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
