Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We don't watch enough power rangers
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
