I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
