It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
