I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
