I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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