I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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