Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize