I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
me + whiskey = a bad person
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
