when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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