Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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